How to Deal with Enablers

An enabler is a person or thing that makes a particular action, event, or process possible. While
the verb enable can mean to help or empower in a positive or neutral way, the noun enabler is
most often used in a critical way. Seen in this lens, an enabler is someone who intentionally or
unintentionally supports the actions of or shields a loved one from the natural consequences of
harmful, destructive, irresponsible behavior. Today, we’ll look at some of the ways enabling
manifests and why enablers do what they do.

In the realm of psychology and addiction, an enabler is someone who shields another person
from the negative consequences of their self-destructive or harmful behavior, such as
substance abuse, gambling, or other forms of chronic irresponsibility. They might pay off debts,
bail them out, or clean up various messes so that the messy person does not face reality.
In relational abuse dynamics, an enabler can be someone who covers for, makes excuses for, or
protects an abuser, allowing the harmful conduct to continue unaddressed. They often
rationalize the behavior and even avoid holding them accountable for the mistreatment they
perpetuate on others.

A lack of boundaries is a common part of enabling. To avoid conflict, the enabler may sacrifice
their own needs to maintain peace, no matter how brief or dysfunctional. It can include doing
things for them that they are fully capable of doing themselves out of a desire to keep the
peace. They may neglect their own physical, emotional, or financial well-being to manage
someone else’s crisis.

Dealing with an enabler in your life requires shifting the focus away from trying to control their behavior and redirecting your energy toward protecting your own boundaries, safety, and well-
being.

Understand that the enabler is often acting out of fear, guilt, codependency, or a misguided
desire to help or keep the peace rather than malice. However, their actions still cause harm by
shielding someone from the natural consequences of destructive behavior.

Talk to them using clear, non-blaming language. Share specific examples of how their actions
are impacting you or perpetuating the harmful cycle. Clearly state what you will and will not
accept. For example, refuse to lie to cover up the behavior, refuse to discuss the person being
enabled, or decline to participate in rescuing behavior.

You cannot force an enabler to see the truth if they are in denial. Trying to manage or fix them
puts you in the same exhausting cycle of control. If the enabler refuses to acknowledge the
harm and continues to undermine progress, limit your contact or step back from the
relationship to protect your own mental and emotional health.

Connect with a therapist or support groups (such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or family support
networks) to process your experience and learn healthier communication strategies. More
guidance and insights are available through resources like the Cleveland Clinic Guide on
Enabling or River Oaks Treatment Tips.

Enabling comes from a place of love, fear, or a desire to protect the relationship. Many enablers
operate out of codependency, feeling that they need to be needed or that stepping back will
lead to a disaster. However, removing natural consequences often keeps the other person stuck
and prevents them from seeking real help.

For more, check out Psychology Today’s take on the phenomenon of enabling. For questions
and appointments, write to us on our website or call (585) 442-6960.