What is Narcissism?
“Narcissism” and “narcissist” are terms that are thrown around a lot these days. But what do they really mean? What is narcissism and how do you recognize a narcissist?
The Oxford Dictionary defines non-pathological narcissism as “excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance.” Indeed, most of us are introduced to the concept of narcissism with the idea of someone who considers themselves very beautiful, even superior to others because of that beauty. But that’s only a small part of it.
The American Psychological Association (APA) refers to a “casual” narcissist as “a person who is very self-centered, boastful, and hungry for attention and admiration,” and narcissism as “excessive self-love or egocentrism.”
Narcissism has many telling attributes. Narcissists typically have an inflated sense of self-importance, often referred to as “grandiosity.’ They may exaggerate their achievements, skills, and talents, or even try to take credit for accomplishments that are not theirs.
A high sense of entitlement is common with narcissists. They typically carry unreasonable and/or unrealistic expectations about what they deserve from the world. They often expect special treatment and become upset if their needs are not catered to.
Admiration, status, and respect are important to someone with narcissistic traits. They are very concerned with appearances and often seek jobs, relationships, or positions for the way it will make them appear than for any other value. Oftentimes this is accompanied by intense envy for those who have or appear to have what they want, and they want people to envy them.
Narcissists have little understanding of empathy, and when they do have some grasp of empathy, they believe they are above it because they deserve better than everyone else and should be able to do as they please with no consequences. Thus, they have little care for the needs and wants of others and will ignore them in favor of their own. A narcissist will also take advantage of others to get what they want. Anything they have to do to achieve their own ends is just part of the equation, even if it hurts someone.
Narcissists can also present somewhat of a dichotomy. While everyone is different, there are two main types of narcissist: grandiose and vulnerable. A vulnerable narcissist is sensitive to criticism or “defeats,” even trivial ones. They might not show it, but any loss makes them feel ashamed and agitated, and they might withdraw. A grandiose narcissist makes sure that no one sees their vulnerability, and when they “lose,” they may dismiss the result or lash out with
defiance. Grandiose and vulnerable narcissistic traits can exist in one person, and both types are selfish and superficial at their core.
With appearance being so important to a narcissist, on the outside they are often charming, even fun to be around. They like their relationships to feed into their ego and operate accordingly. They wear a mask of good behavior whenever someone is watching, but no one can keep a mask up forever.
Narcissism is a spectrum. Someone can have narcissistic traits, but narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) goes deeper. According to the APA, “Only when these traits are inflexible, maladaptive, and persisting and cause significant functional impairment or subjective distress do they constitute narcissistic personality disorder.” It is estimated that 1-2% of people in the United States have NPD.
Why are some people narcissists? Science doesn’t yet have a firm position on whether narcissism is a product of nature (the way we are born) or nurture (the way we develop) but the truth is likely a mix of the two. It is common for children to exhibit narcissistic traits as their brains develop, but we are also supposed to grow a sense of justice and altruism as children, and it’s possible that a narcissist never reaches that milestone.
If you suspect that you have narcissistic traits or are dealing with a narcissist in your life who is negatively affecting you, talk to us about getting some tools to help you reach a better quality of life. Reach us on our website or call (585) 442-6960
